I went to see the new STAR WARS movie the other night with a friend who had already seen it. I would have been fine with not seeing it at all, but I was mildly curious. We went to Boston’s Regal Cinemas Fenway, where it was playing in some horrible theatre for which we had to pay more and pick particular seats. The seats in question are made for your typical 300 pound American ass, so I was totally uncomfortable for the entire 2.5 hours. There’s a tray attached to the chair on which you can put your disgusting concession stand meal that will help you fit more snugly into your chair in the future. The trailers were terrible, and there were a couple of loud drunk guys who turned out to be surprisingly well-behaved during the actual movie.
My expectations were low – I love the first two movies and hate the rest. Strikes Back is great. I didn’t hate this one, but my overall opinion was what’s the point? If you’ve seen the first two movies, there isn’t much new here, but it is pretty and has its moments. The CGI isn’t distracting, John Williams did the music, and it’s more diverse and less offensive to women than the prior ones. But I was bored pretty quickly, and it’s an hour longer than it should be. 90 minutes, people! If you can’t say it in 90, make two movies! Anyway.
Rey is the reason to watch this movie. The Force is strong in this young lady scrapper. Finally, a woman with some gumption who isn’t played for her love interest and doesn’t have to wear a sex slave outfit. This is what women wanted for Leia, so thanks for that. She is basically Skywalker, but less whiney. However, if you’ve seen Star Wars episode IV, you can guess what happens next.
Black-clad Vader wannabe Kyle Ren (Adam Driver) is mildly scary until he takes his mask off and we discover he looks like a pervy younger brother of Keanu Reeves. Turns out he’s just a rebellious teenager who is angry with his parents (OMG guess who they are!) for some angsty reason. Explains his temper tantrums, anyway. The woman next to me said to her date, “Wait, Han is Darth Vader’s son?”
The new droid is cute & has a good system of getting around, able to go downstairs and whatnot. Something kittenish about it. Doesn’t have an uptight sidekick.
The black character is a traitor again, but in a good way.
Watch for Max von Sydow as the old dude.
Leia, Han, Chewy all show up to remind the kids of today that there’s a couple of old movies they should check out if they like this one. Don’t worry kids, you’ll be able to identify all the equipment and ships and whatever because nothing changes in 40 years.
Drink when you’ve seen that scene before. I hope you have a high tolerance. Maybe try a light beer.
Something to look forward to: “Maybe Dern will play a Wookie?”